Letter/song I wrote to Momma

Most of my readers know that my mother Barbara Jean Faulkner went to be with the lord March 11, 2011

Two weeks after when all the moving her things, all the family going back home, most of the paperwork done......I had my first dreaded day alone, I went to the grocery store and  it was hard as I wanted to call mom to see if she needed anything. So on the way home in a feeling of incredible grief while driving I wrote a song in my head  and ran home and put it to paper. Now keep in mind I in no way claim my self being a songwriter just one who when upset or happy likes to put words on paper in the form of a song..........I tucked the paper away and being this is the first Mother's day that I cannot see my momma I felt it a good time to share this with anyone who would like to read.  It is true feelings and true stories the only way I know how to express. 

Living without you Momma
Letter/song written by Sherry Hicks (faulkner) April 6, 2011

Mommy and Me 1970

When I was little I remember you getting ready to go dancing with daddy for the night. You would have your hair pinned up high, your best heels and your fancy stole. You would sing while you put your "face" on and we'd help you with your pearls. You looked so beautiful your eyes were shining bright as you would twirl so happy to get a night out with Dad.  I loved the lipstick on my face you left with your kiss, but when you walked out the door I was happy for you but how I cried......

I didn't want to be without my momma

When I was six you took us to Great Granny Lee's for a few days and how I cried. You brought home a little sister to our family. She was cute and became the apple of my eye, but those few days I had tears in my eyes.

I didn't want to be without my momma

You sang to me and tied my shoes and brushed my hair the day my brother and sister went to school. I missed my older sister so, who would I play with........oh why couldn't I go..

You comforted me momma

Just three years later the day Great Granny Lee died, you stood there with your four children and you cried. We were all together momma. Just a few days later I told you how bad I missed her can we call heaven and your heart had to be breaking to tell me no,  but you comforted me with your words you said.. In your heart she will always be and she would want to see you smile.......life goes on and we just have to keep her in our memories.

You comforted me momma

As time went on I had a son and I was raising  him alone, you brought me back into your home

You helped me to be a momma

6 years later I had my second son you were right there holding my hand you comforted me through labor and ran your fingers through my hair

How could I have done it without the comfort you gave me momma

I remember just a few years later the day we lost our brother. You held his hand as he died.  No one could have understood how hard that was for you, a part of your heart left that day and we three  girls came to your side.

We were all together with you momma, How did you make it through that one momma.

a short few years down the road on a sunday afternoon you were showing me the surprise quilt you were making as a present for gramma what a nice gift to give to your mother, the phone rang and as I heard the screach My heart broke as I knew

You had to start living without your momma  I was so glad I was by your side that day  momma.

3 years later on a camping trip to Mexia we spent that night with dad talking and laughing and eating his favorites fried gizzards and chicken livers. It was a hard to watch him during that time as the cancer was making a tall strong man weak, he sat by me as I dug up an arrowhead in a spot that he pointed out, perfect arrowhead. We thought we had a couple more years with him more time to talk more time to share. Dad played in the floor with my white puppy I took pictures, We kissed goodnight didn't we momma. 

I woke early that morning and felt a panick dad's van was gone. I thought to myself he is going to get doughnuts Sherry I am sure it is alright I'll go check  I did not want to wake you momma.  I drove down that road and saw the accident two cars completely totaled, head on.  I came just as the ambulance was driving away it was then and there I  had to make the decision of my life do I go to get my momma or chance being able to see my daddy before he is gone. I chose you , you had the right to know, you had the right to be there. I had to go back and  get you momma. I beeped my horn all the way down that long gravel road that  seemed to take forever to get to you we raced to the hospital and I held your hand. That early morning we  had to say goodbye to daddy he was gone before we could make it, I kissed his forehead before I walked away. I made the right decision as we had to see him that way together, we could not have lived through that without eachother momma.

Years passed and we were always by eachothers side. You watched me become a gramma and when it came that I would be raising my Grandaughter and being a momma again I felt unsure if I was strong enough to do it . You were there and  assured me that once again you would be there to help me be a momma.  Abbigail adored you just like I adore my Great Granny Lee, you taught her to quilt,  and all the family tradiitons. She begged to stay nights at  your house momma Life with you and her was beautiful just like the old days I saw you tickle and laugh and play with her just like Great Granny Lee did with me.  We had peace and some wonderful years didn't we momma.

One Spring morning Abbigail and I stopped by to see what you needed  from the store, you would not answer your door. I called my sister on the phone and the phone cut out as I unlocked the door to step inside .I sat my daughter on the couch and my eyes filled with tears I walked into the bedroom and I knew.  I knelt down by your side and  I kissed your face and put my arms around you as I cried, I wanted you to take me with you it hurt so bad to lose you momma.  But that sweet little girl in the other room she just would not understand. I had to go in there and comfort her and be strong just like you were all those years momma.  She needs the comfort of a momma.

A few days later after the funeral my daughter looks me in the eyes and says can we call gramma in heaven momma I sure do miss her can't jesus just take the phone to her, just once?.      My heart sank I turned my face so she could not see me cry it reminded me of my Great Granny Lee and Me.......but I dried my tears and turned around  as I had to tell her no, but honey she will always be in your heart and we will see her in heaven one day. Gramma would want to see us smile......now I know how you felt. And you gave me the strength for those words didn't you momma.

As I write this I am sitting on my porch the wind is blowing I feel your touch on my forehead and running through my hair. The sun is shining on my face and I close my eyes and I feel you here. I picture you twirling  with my father and you are shining bright and beautiful just like when I was a little girl, you let me know you  are dancing in the heavens and you are okay.  I never have to be without you momma, I promise you I will be strong till I see all of you again. I sure love you momma.

In Loving memory Barbara Jean (Sharp) Faulkner  May 31, 1941-March 11, 2011
Your daughter who will never forget your love

Leave a comment